Written Thu 31st Jan, 2002 in Udaipur, Rajasthan, India
Rule 1
There are no rules.
Rule 2
Cows get priority. Always.
Please note that the very existence of this rule directly contravenes Rule 1. Rule 1 also contravenes itself and is therefore a logical impossibility.
Rule 3
All rules are there to be broken. See Rules 1 and 2.
Rule 4
All traffic drives on the left.
Except the traffic which drives on the right.
And the traffic which drives in the middle.
Rule 5
The amount of tinsel and Hindu shrines on and in the cab of a Tata truck is in direct proportion to the driver's belief in re-incarnation, and therefore to his cavalier and fatalistic interpretation of the rules.
Rule 6
The horn on trucks and buses should be loud and musical. Its repeated use is compulsory during the night on 'sleeper' buses and whenever passing hotels, regardless of whether there is actually any other traffic on the road.
Rule 7
The horn on rickshaws and motorcycles should resemble the quack of a large duck with a throat complaint.
Rule 8
Hand carts are not considered complete without a music rig comprising car battery, stereo and speakers, pumping out the twelve-inch re-mix of the latest Bollywood hit for the musical appreciation and delight of all those in the near, and far, vicinity.
Rule 9
Under no circumstances should any motorised or un-motorised vehicle, large or small animal, or large or small person give any prior indication whatsoever of intention to turn, overtake, undertake, stop abruptly or pull out into fast-moving traffic. Signalling after the event, although rare, is of course completely acceptable.
Rule 10 (First Corollary of Rule 9)
Cycle-rickshaw drivers should not give any indication that they are right behind or beside you until the split-second before their back wheel is about to knock you into the nearest cow or open running sewer.
Rule 11 (Second Corollary of Rule 9)
The use of headlights or any other device designed to provide enhanced illumination of the vehicle or its surroundings during times of decreased visibility, such as the night, is strictly optional and not to be unnecessarily encouraged.
Rule 12
Traffic lights, including the friendly ones in Delhi which say 'Relax' on the red light, are cleverly designed to change colour at regular intervals. However, the real purpose of their existence and benefit to the free movement of traffic has yet to be determined.
Rule 13
In the unlikely event of traffic stopping to Relax, the rickshaw you are in is guaranteed to stop next to the exhaust pipe of a large bus or truck.
Rule 14
All trucks, and optionally buses, should have the words 'Horn Please' painted in large, ornate, brightly coloured letters on the back. Nobody is quite sure of the exact meaning and purpose of these words. Some believe this phenomenon first occurred in 1935 when a Mr. Singh of Delhi painted these words on his vehicle. Since then, everyone else has just copied.
Rule 15
On no account should any English words written on a moving vehicle be spelt correctly. Any such correct spellings are only likely to cause immense surprise and confusion and are therefore highly dangerous.
Rule 16
All cows, pigs, goats, dogs, camels, donkeys, buffalo, monkeys, elephants and small children are at liberty to wander in any direction and to stop and relieve themselves without warning (see Rule 9) or due consideration for the sensibilities or convenience of other road users.
Rule 1
There are no rules.
Rule 2
Cows get priority. Always.
Please note that the very existence of this rule directly contravenes Rule 1. Rule 1 also contravenes itself and is therefore a logical impossibility.
Rule 3
All rules are there to be broken. See Rules 1 and 2.
Rule 4
All traffic drives on the left.
Except the traffic which drives on the right.
And the traffic which drives in the middle.
Rule 5
The amount of tinsel and Hindu shrines on and in the cab of a Tata truck is in direct proportion to the driver's belief in re-incarnation, and therefore to his cavalier and fatalistic interpretation of the rules.
Rule 6
The horn on trucks and buses should be loud and musical. Its repeated use is compulsory during the night on 'sleeper' buses and whenever passing hotels, regardless of whether there is actually any other traffic on the road.
Rule 7
The horn on rickshaws and motorcycles should resemble the quack of a large duck with a throat complaint.
Rule 8
Hand carts are not considered complete without a music rig comprising car battery, stereo and speakers, pumping out the twelve-inch re-mix of the latest Bollywood hit for the musical appreciation and delight of all those in the near, and far, vicinity.
Rule 9
Under no circumstances should any motorised or un-motorised vehicle, large or small animal, or large or small person give any prior indication whatsoever of intention to turn, overtake, undertake, stop abruptly or pull out into fast-moving traffic. Signalling after the event, although rare, is of course completely acceptable.
Rule 10 (First Corollary of Rule 9)
Cycle-rickshaw drivers should not give any indication that they are right behind or beside you until the split-second before their back wheel is about to knock you into the nearest cow or open running sewer.
Rule 11 (Second Corollary of Rule 9)
The use of headlights or any other device designed to provide enhanced illumination of the vehicle or its surroundings during times of decreased visibility, such as the night, is strictly optional and not to be unnecessarily encouraged.
Rule 12
Traffic lights, including the friendly ones in Delhi which say 'Relax' on the red light, are cleverly designed to change colour at regular intervals. However, the real purpose of their existence and benefit to the free movement of traffic has yet to be determined.
Rule 13
In the unlikely event of traffic stopping to Relax, the rickshaw you are in is guaranteed to stop next to the exhaust pipe of a large bus or truck.
Rule 14
All trucks, and optionally buses, should have the words 'Horn Please' painted in large, ornate, brightly coloured letters on the back. Nobody is quite sure of the exact meaning and purpose of these words. Some believe this phenomenon first occurred in 1935 when a Mr. Singh of Delhi painted these words on his vehicle. Since then, everyone else has just copied.
Rule 15
On no account should any English words written on a moving vehicle be spelt correctly. Any such correct spellings are only likely to cause immense surprise and confusion and are therefore highly dangerous.
Rule 16
All cows, pigs, goats, dogs, camels, donkeys, buffalo, monkeys, elephants and small children are at liberty to wander in any direction and to stop and relieve themselves without warning (see Rule 9) or due consideration for the sensibilities or convenience of other road users.
Rule 17
Cows get priority. Always.